GLOBAL WARMING AND SAN MIGUEL DE ALLENDE

(This posting should be read after you read the posting, “Going to the Beach”)

San Miguel has been in the grips of a cold spell for over three weeks. The progressive community is in an uproar over weather conditions. Things have gotten so bad that San Miguel’s mayor advertised in the weekly gringo newspaper, Atencion, that he was calling for a meeting at the biblioteca to chart the best course of action.

Every progressive intellectual was invited to attend along with a few conservatives. In all, over one hundred people attended and participated in the program. After the Mayor’s emotional presentation, small break-out groups were formed with the assignment to thoroughly explore the situation and report back with recommendations. Ultimately, after three full days of intense study and debate the unanimous conclusion was that Al Gore should be invited to speak to the people of San Miguel. Mayor, Juan Jose Luis Sanchez de Carlos requested that I contact Al Gore immediately. Although I was concerned that Al Gore’s speech may include some of his classic misstatements, contradictions, etc., I was nevertheless honored to make the call

It took me a few tries and a few conversations with Al Gore’s staff but I finally got through to him. He was sympathetic to the cause and agreed to participate. I explained that we would prefer that he not come here in his private jet as some people may think that was inappropriate given its large carbon footprint. Al quickly agreed and said he would arrive in his 100 foot houseboat. With irrefutable logic, Al explained that since his presentation in San Miguel was about atmospheric conditions and not aquatic conditions the press would not likely focus on the boat’s carbon footprint. Nevertheless, he promised to check with Keith Oberman before setting sail. His travel plan would take him south from Tennessee through the inter-coastal highway make a right at the Gulf of Mexico, sail west into the Atlantic and enter Mexico near Veracruz. From there he would sail northeast until he arrived at the shoreline of San Miguel and the Port of San Antonio.

I was surprised at Al’s maritime prowess and he chuckled saying, “Bob, I am, after all, from Tennesea”. We both belly-laughed at this and then I asked him the name of his boat. He went on to explain that he made the maximum amount of his wealth from climate issues so he decided to name his houseboat, TenneSEA Climax.

I told Al his visit to San Miguel wouldn’t be all business. There are plenty of things to do here. He refused to attend a bull fight but he seemed very interested in attending the Big Time Wrestling show held in the bull ring particularly because Bobo Brazil was back in town. I told him about the popular Tuesday market and after I clarified what day it was held on he thought he would like to go there. Finally, I mentioned the availability of long-tube snorkeling. He was well aware of it and said he thought he had probably invented it. Finally, I thanked him for agreeing to attend our meeting and he said he would email me when TenneSEA Climax docked in Port San Antonio.

Mayor, Juan Jose Luis Sanchez de Carlos had commissioned the use of the town square for the global warming presentation. All the restaurants in town agreed to move their portable heaters to the town square to keep everyone warm. Al Gore had docked his houseboat and was ready to make his presentation. After a short speech by Mayor, Juan Jose Luis Sanchez de Carlos and some intellectual speeches by others it was finally time for the keynote speaker. Al Gore rose to thunderous applause and stepped up to the microphone to present his speech entitled “Global Warming and You”.

“Thank you Mayor, Juan Jose Luis Sanchez de Carlos, members of the San Miguel de Allende Global Warming Committee and to all the aliens here today.

We have now determined that global warming is a world-wide phenomenon. Global warming couldn’t be more evident than here in San Miguel where the citizens have experienced the coldest weather in more than four decades. Huddled together we shall overcome the extreme cold brought about by global warming.

As you now, I traveled here in my houseboat, TenneSEA Climax, in part to show support for your tourist industry. I arrived here on the Atlantic shores of San Miguel in Port San Antonio just yesterday. I was devastated to see the limited numbers of pilgrims and tourists engaged in long-tube snorkeling, something, I am sure I invented some years ago.

We must work together to stop the decline in tourism and support the local businesses. You all know Stubby’s French Fry stand and Mercado’s restaurant and I encourage you all to eat as many french fries and as much sea food as you can to help support tourism. Stubby and Mercado have both explained to me that the french fries and the sea food are orgasmically produced and fully biodegradable after consumption.

I have been here now for twelve hours and the reasons for the change in your weather patterns are obvious. First, you have too many tourists who are polluting the land and sea. Their numbers should be reduced immediately. Second, and more importantly, the excess gases emitted after the consumption of frijoles must be reduced or eliminated altogether. I have proposed and, Mayor, Juan Jose Luis Sanchez de Carlos, has agreed to a ban on growing and consuming frijoles. Our joint commission has studied the cultural, agricultural and economic impact of this ban and we have determined it to be in the best interest of the planet. Moreover, we know that many people get their daily starch from frijoles. To replace the lost starch from the ban, Stubby has agreed to remain open a few extra hours each week so that there is no shortage of starch in the diets of the ingenious peoples that have lived here for the last few centuries and who invented wool clothing to protect themselves from the periodic cold spells experienced here.

I now want to address the compelling issue of …..”


Al Gore’s speech went on for three hours. Longer than anticipated due to the numerous instances of applause. To say it was well received by San Miguel is an understatement. Afterwards there were song and dance shows put on by Al’s ingenious peoples still residing in San Miguel, mescal was consumed freely and numerous cooking demonstrations on the uses and benefits of frijoles were offered to the crowd. In the end, Al Gore’s sour mash frijole recipe won first prize. Perhaps this wasn’t fair but surely he deserved recognition for helping to save the planet and for all the joy he had brought to San Miguel.

It was later disclosed that Al’s commission also wanted to abolish the raising of pigs because of the gases they admit but this would have also eliminated the selling and consuming of carnitas, a popular food staple. For political reasons this recommendation never saw the light of day. Besides, Al had grown very fond of pork during his days in the Senate.

The next day, as the skies finally cleared and warmth returned to San Miguel, we saw Al head back to the shores of San Miguel and to his beloved TenneSEA Climax. Over the roar of his large dual two-cycle engines Al turned and waved to Stubby, Mercado and his ingenious peoples. At last, climate normalcy had returned to San Miguel.