WHO'S ON FIRST

Living in San Miguel de Allende is different for us in many ways. Certainly there is the language barrier. Also, many of our friends here are much older than us. Sometimes their hearing is fading and sometimes their thought processes are just a little off. Sometimes a lot off. Beyond that, we look different than our Mexican friends and some of our friends actually think I am a big guy. At five foot ten inches and weighing one hundred and fifty-five pounds when I am wet, I certainly do not consider myself big.

We volunteer to teach English, to bring food and computers to schools and we have even helped build adobe brick homes. We have also sold tickets to fund raisers; we have been greeters at fund raisers, etc. But the other day, I was asked by Diane to be a bouncer. That’s right; “Bob the big guy” was asked to be a bouncer at a fund raiser. The conversation with Diane that led to this position went kind of like this –

“Bob, we need your help. We want you to be our bouncer next weekend”.

“Me?”

“Yes, we know you’re a CPA and a CFE and those are the credentials we need.”

“You want a CPA and CFE to be a bouncer?

“Of course, who better to protect us than a Crime Prevention Assistant and a Certified Firearm Expert?”

“Diane, I am a retired Certified Public Accountant and Certified Fraud Examiner.

“Ah, I see. You’re undercover. I’ll keep my voice down. And, Bob, please don’t forget to bring your weapon.”

“I don’t have a weapon.”

“Bob, we are a bit older than you and our eyesight isn’t as good as it once was but we see the bulge under your sweater.”

“It’s a calculator”

“So that’s what you call it. Okay, bring your “calculator”.

“Why? Are you expecting some bad numbers at the event?”

“Yes.”

“Yes? “Okay, I could use my calculator to divide and conquer them”.

“I love it when you use security lingo”. And keep a good lookout for Harry from California. He’s jealous of our success and could be disruptive.”

“How will I recognize him?”

“He has one arm. But, he has compensated for his loss.”

“How do you compensate for the loss of an arm?

“He kicks and bites. He smells bad too. You’ll know when he’s coming”

“And you want me to defend your guests from Harry with my calculator?”

“Exactly! You’re hired.

“I’m hired? So I get paid?”

“Of course not. This is a charitable event.”

“Will I have back-up?”

“You mean help?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll ask Tom to assist you. He’s an MD.”

“How will that help?”

“Surely, a Master of Defense could come in handy. But if he’s not available just use your knowledge of martial arts to defend us.”

“I know martial art?”

“Bob, don’t be shy. Darlene overheard you last week at the bull fight discussing Who Flung Dung.”

“I did but that was a …”

“Just use Who Flung Dung and protect our guests.”

“I don’t think you understand …”

“I see the problem. You’re afraid things could get messy if you Flung dung.”

And on it went until finally I agreed to stand by the door with a calculator in my pocket ready to defend the invitees from all the bad numbers including Dirty Harry. So come on, Harry. Go ahead. Make my day.